resisting a memory

it has been a month.
your memory has haunted my dream last night. your shadow is forcing itself unto my consciousness
i want to forget you. i’m trying to forget you
my brain is writing a beautiful ekphrasis of us but i will let it fleet.
documentation will only forge the memory stronger.

this is how it feels like to resist a memory
you suppress it but somehow it still bobs into awareness

and this malady is affecting how i read
how i need to go over a sentence over and over again

so i read…

“that date coincided with the end of the reconquest, the long process of ousting the arabs who had occupied the south of spain… ”

“that date coincided with the end of the reconquest, the long process of ousting the arabs who had occupied the south of spain… ”

your smile the way our skin brushed against each other the comfortable silence the uncomfortable silence

“that date coincided with the end of the reconquest…”

say what?

if that sentence were steel, you would see scratches, manifestations of the deafening clawing, that scraped the steel over and over.
if that sentence were wood, you would see splinters that emerged from viciously going through the wood again and again. splinters that can cut my delicate skin

please.
let me read this book.
this is all i have now.

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2 thoughts on “resisting a memory

  1. I love reading your entries Czar. Finally, an influx! :) I feel like I’m reading Murakami. the truth is, I find it so hard to comment, because I don’t think I can say anything worth adding to this page. :D

    I can’t help but wonder what happened a month ago. your description of resisting a memory feels so real. :) sometimes, the more we resist, the more it persists. and one day, the stubborn persistence suddenly becomes exhausted, and you are left with your resistance with suddenly no reason of being. and I am confused with feeling emptiness or liberty. forgive my rambling.

    1. awwww christine you are too nice! thank you :”)

      i’ve been attending poetry nights recently, and it has inspired me to write more. the poetry reading is monthly – every 3rd sat of the month, so if you’re here in the phils during one of those weekends, you are most welcome to join us! :)

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