identifying the tipofthetongue feeling

Listen.

This is the true reason
why the eyelidlines are taking a day off
why there are two tomatoes in place of the two eyes
why the over-worked tear ducts weren’t able to stop their toil last night even after x hours

This is not because of the extraordinary scrimping discipline needed to procure A James Jean Book in time for The James Jean Book Signing, or the impossibility of generating enough money to replace the fucking expensive power adapter
Nor is This because of the 22k amortization that has nagged painfully like an open wound, insisting the budget constraints, restricting the use of own hard-earned money
Nor is This a “work thing”, for being unable to find an escape route

This is because of the germinating self-hatred. For acting so selfishly.
For giving in to material wants. For wanting a fucking Fables Volume 1. For wanting the work pay for own consumption. For having second thoughts on helping the Mother. For not living up to The Ideal. For secretly blaming the unemployed Father why the family is in such penury.

God. What is happening.

***

I disappoint myself. I will go to hell, if there is one.

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